Writer's Block: Tossing and Turning

[amielzbth]

This is from an entry posted on June 12, 2002.  Its a long dream, but probably my strangest and most vivid!

In my dream I was standing alone in a dark room and staring at a full body oval mirror. I was wearing my pjs: Black shirt and blue spandex shorts and I was just staring into the mirror. At first I just saw myself, but then a fog started forming in the mirror totally covering me up and there appeared a woman in a nice form fitting maroon dress. Her hair was curly and down. Her face was very kind and warm. She was so beautiful. She smiled at me looking very secure with her big brown eyes. I realized that I was staring at myself, only it was a more secure self. She held out her hand through the mirror and I took it as she let me into the mirror itself. She seemed very happy...almost complete. "Hello there," she said in a very warm voice. Her voice seemed filled with wisdom and I felt compelled to hug her and so I did. "It's OK," she said to me. "You're allowed to hug me. As a matter of fact I welcome them". I smiled at her "matter of fact" way of speaking. "Am I here for a reason?" I asked her. "We're all here for a reason. We just have to realize what it is," she answered and then she turned and with a quick nod of her head she told me to follow her. As we walked down this long hall way, I noticed that flowers would bloom where ever she passed. It smelled very nice actually. Like spring. "What is this place?" I asked. She giggled. It wasn't that annoying blonde bimbo giggle. It was the type of intelligent giggle if there is such a thing. "This is your mind, dear. We all have one. And since we all have one, we all have a subcounscience." "You mean this is my brain and my subconscience?" I asked. "Yup," she replied. "So are you like the successful version of me or something?" She smiled slightly as I walked beside her. "Not exactly. Think of it as who you are now." "I can't be you now. You seem so...well..." "Secure? Well, I am. I'm you. Believe it or not you're a lot more secure than you give yourself credit." "You gotta be kidding me," I replied in disbelief. "Nope." She stopped walking as did I and turned to face me. "Ami, I am you. I'm IN you. You just have to let me out. And you can do it. I've seen you try. I'm always waiting for those little moments where you let me shine in you because I am you. I know it's confusing, but its the best way I can describe it." I didn't say much. It took me a while to respond. Then I finally asked a question: "How can I find you in me?" "You don't look for me, darling. You just live your life and realize that you are someone and that you are worth something. You know that you work hard and that you are reaching your goals. You just have to give it time. That's all. Don't run too fast without knowing where you're going. (This is what my dad said to me in the email he sent me that nearly brought tears to my eyes.) Just be." "Yeah, but how do I do all that?" I questioned. She smiled at me as if she were a mother doting on her small child and took my hand. "Just be. You'll find me when you're ready to just be." I just looked at her. She then looked at her small watch around her wrist. "Looks like my time is up, kiddo. I have to get going." "What? Now? Why?" "Because my time is up, Ami. Anyway, we'll meet again." "But when? How?" "Just like I told you. Just be..." She winked and then faded with the fog that built up around us.

For a few moments I stood there alone wondering about what just happened until I heard the faint sound of very relaxing music. It almost sounded like a sort of Celtic New Age piece. I wasn't sure. All I knew was that I could smell some really nice Jazmin incense. I followed the aroma to a room that was lit up by candles all over the floor. I felt like I was in that Police music video to "Wrapped Around Your Finger" only I wasn't dancing around the candles. There was a person in a purple cloak with the hood covering his or her head. I said "Hello?" and the person looked up pulling the hood down and revealing a woman with long curly hair that must have been down to her ass if she stood up. She had beautiful brown-green eyes. Around her neck she wore a pentecle which is a five pointed star in a circle. Another version of me. The room smelled very good. And I felt very tranquil. She motioned for me to sit on the floor and so I did Indian style. "Greetings," she said. Her voice was very soothing. "Hi," I replied. "I'm sure you already know who I am," she then said with a knowing smile. "I think I do." "I'm sure you do. But, just in case, I'll fill you in. I'm apart of you. Call it the part the represents faith." "So that part of me is pagan?" I asked. "It could be. Its what you seem comfortable with. But, if you look on the walls, you'll see other things as well." I then looked and noticed there was a crucifix hanging on the all and then the star of David. There was also a library of books regarding many other religions. Religions I have studied in the past. "I am the part of you that you are comfortable with. Even if there is still slight confusion." "So why am I here?" I asked. "Well... this is your subconcious and your faith is very much apart of it these days. I'm here to let you know that you're OK. You aren't doing any harm to others with your faith. You aren't doing harm to yourself. I'm here to tell you that keeping good karma is a great part of life. I'm telling you that it is OK to be who you are." "I wish it were that easy," I replied. "It can be if you let it. Do you believe in wishes?" she asked. "I'm not so sure. I guess sometimes I do," I replied. "Would you like to make one?" "Um...OK." She picked up a candle from the floor and told me to come closer and so I did. She then told me to close my eyes and make a wish and blow out the candle. I closed my eyes and thought real hard and then I blew the candle out.

For a moment there was silence. I opened my eyes and found myself standing in a very damp and very cold hall way of what looked like some dungeon. I noticed the beautiful red rose lying on the floor. Roses are my favorite flower so I picked it up. As soon as I did I felt this sharp stinging pain on my finger and dropped out as I startled myself with an "Ouch". My finger was bleeding. Then I heard this weird laughter. It was a very dark laughter. It gave me chills up my spine and it wasn't the good kind if you know what I mean. Then I saw her. A woman dressed in tight black leather pants, biker boots, and a black leather corset top. Her hair was also curly, but it wasn't brown. It was jet black and so were her eyes. She seemed to have no color to her skin. She almost looked blue as if she were dead. She walked out of the shadows into full view. Her lips were black. She had dark circles under her eyes. She wasn't smiling. "Isn't it ironic?" She asked. Before I could reply, she kept going: "Its so beautiful. So endearing that you have to approach it with innocense and an infinite amout of naivety. But, once you decide to get involved that's when the stinging pain begins and that's when you bleed." "What are you talking about?" I asked. But, I already knew what she was talking about. And I knew who she was. She was me. And she was talking about life. "Of course you know who I am," she said in a dark voice that really freaked me out. She then showed me her very pale arms. They were cut up and scarred as if she slit her wrists more than once and failed, though her appearance said otherwise. "That's right. I'm you. I'm the dark side of you which means I'm you now." "You can't be me now." But, I knew she was right. "Of course you know I'm right, Ami. I'm everything you fear in life. I'm depression. I'm lonliness. I'm rejection. I'm failure. I'm emptiness. I'm fear. But, most of all, I'm dead. I'm the bitch who drives you crazy when you think every day and night. I'm the bitch who tells you you're a failure. I'm the bitch you often believe." "What do you want with me?" i asked. "Shouldn't I be asking you that question? You're the one who keeps conjuring me up when you beat yourself up and judge yourself to the point of making you a fucking pulp or even lower. I'm the cunt in your life that sinks your ship. I have to admit, the meds you're taking makes it a little hard for me, but you've made it easier for me with your little "Poor me" broken heart. You've let me out so many times. Last night I was out full force. Well, that was until you called your therapist." "Can't you just go away and leave me alone?" I asked. "Can't you just stop giving up on yourself?" She was right. "What can I do to make you dissapear?" I then asked. She laughed this wicked laugh. "Oh, no, hon...you can't really get rid of me. Your dark side also has some of your qualities. But, you can get rid of hating who you are and yourself." "How do I do that?" "Hey, I can't tell you that. You have to figure that one out for yourself and believe you me, it'll take time. But, you really don't want me to get out of hand. I'm not nice when I'm uncontrolable. Last night I could have totally taken over and just caused some major damage. In reality, I'm not the bad guy, here. I'm just the person you seem to be giving most of your attention to." I was totally confused. "I know it's confusing now. But when you've leanred to let go and just be, you'll improve. Right now you're in a funk and I'm it. So you need to shape up before this bitch becomes your downfall." "I know...It's just hard." "Yeah, well, life was never meant to be easy, you know. You live it and it bites you on the ass. I've got the scars to prove it. That's how it is. Life is a big shit sandwhich and sometimes we all have to take a bite out of it." "Hey..." "Yeah, I know...Nicky said that to you. Well, she's right. The chick as a lot of wisdom. You should listen to her more often. Anyway, I'm checking out. Cioa, baby." Then she dissapeared in the fog. I found myself staring into the mirror again and as the fog formed around me I was awakened by very loud music. It was my alarm... Pretty crazy, huh?

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